This post was archived from blog.jenigrant.com

Figures I'd get the thing set up and then ignore it for a month.

Yep, that's me. I start new projects all the time. I play with them for a week or two, lose interest. If it's a good project, or I have something to motivate me, I might come back enough times to see it close to completetion. Or, in this case, if it allows me to pick back up easily enough I might accomplish something.

I was 26 when I was diagnosed with ADHD (and a decade later for the autism, but that's a different post). It was actually a bit of a surprise, I hadn't considered that I might be until a friend sat me down and patiently explained that my habit of mainlining Red Bull wasn't normal. I got on Adderall and for awhile everything was excellent in my headspace. Then I became disabled (that again is a different post) and had to discontinue it.

These days I can only take Adderall sparingly; a single prescription lasts months. It messes with my chronic fatigue, badly, and I've had a few episodes of "too tired to leave the bed" after taking it regularly. So I don't take it, even though I gotta tell you, anon, I really miss being on Adderall. I miss having my shit together. I miss feeling clearer in my thinking and actions. I miss being organized, seeing shit through, able to persist. I miss concentration.

I have felt immensely stuck for these last few years, and I don't doubt that untreated ADHD is a large part of why I feel like I'm not getting traction. I wish I could find any sort of healthy balance in my life. Very often I feel like I bumble through my days trying to focus on fancy things like "eating" and "bathing" and "outliving Mitch McConnell."

I don't know that I see a path forward in my life any more. This isn't some sort of 2AM self-defeatest talk (though it is 2AM) so much as I have chased my tail to the point that I'm dizzy. I have faith that there is a path forward, but from my vantage I genuinely don't know where it lies. I'm at that point in being lost where it seems like it's smarter to stop looking.

How do you find your way forward when it seems like all you do is survive?